To the memories that will never fade away

went to my Grandma's house again yesterday. because we did all the cleaning on Sunday, yesterday was like arranging the furnitures and taking out some stuff out of the cabinet and shelf.

to be honest, there are a lot of things I don't know that y Grandma kept in her house, especially my Grandpa's old room. My maid was cleaning my future room while I wandering around the house and decided to take a look at my Grandpa's room. It's still messy because no one ever cleaning it after all this years and I picked an old chocolate box beside the door and took it to my Grandma.

I opened it like opening somekind of treasure box. The first thing I saw was my Grandpa's picture (I called him Bapak) and his sallary receipt. And then there's this little book which is Ibu's (my Grandma) from her friends during the war. Her friends told her to be strong, be a good teacher and they're all hoping that someday, this country will get its freedom.

When my Mom came, we took some of the furnitures inside Bapak's room out, and that is when I found his old photographs. My Bapak was a captain that time, he specialized in making ammunition that's why he's like chemistry genius. There are pictures of him with the Japanese and Netherlanders and when he's going to San Fransisco. My Bapak looks so..... young and brave and healthy there.

But then Mom finds this album when he died. He died on September 10, 1996 just 7 days before his birthday. I was 4 at that time and I don't remember anything. I just remembered my Mom going to Halim Perdanakusuma airport to picked up his body because he's dead in Madiun, his hometown. Then nothing.

I don't want to remember Bapak being dead. I want to remember him as a good soldier, dad, and grandpa. I still remember when he made our house's number sign, or when he took me for a walk in the evening and he would bought ice cream for me, or another time when he went to the market and brought a little bike for me. I was very happy at that time, I have everything I need because of Bapak and Ibu. I would do everything to turn back time, if I can, to the times when my grandpa's still alive.

I hope he was here, see me grew up, see me in High school and graduated. See me enter med school, see me head over heels for a boy that's not even notice me, see me with my friends, see me knowing my true friends are, see me fighting with my Mom and Dad, and I really wish I had the chance to tell him that I love him, that he actually is the gift God ever gave me (along with my parents and Grandma). I want to tell him that he's the best Grandpa a child could ever have : )

Those are the times when I really really miss my Grandpa I would cry myself to sleep. Last night, I did. I never missed my Bapak like that before, maybe because the memories came back to be visually, by pictures.

I prayed for God to give him the best place in His heaven, and I want Bapak to see me from up there, being a person you always wanted me to be.

I love you.

I miss you.

Bye bye.

PS: I cried again while writing this. Happy?